In the early stages
of a couple’s relationship when their greatest desire is to spend as much
time as possible together and melt right into each other. If only they
could - as described in the togetherness article - they may find the
concept of separateness difficult to comprehend.
Unfortunately, a
lack of understanding or an inability to appropriate this concept can set
the couple up for a co-dependent relationship. This basically means that
they become so entangled emotionally that they lose a healthy sense of
self.
As co-dependence is
a breeding ground for control and manipulation (whether subconscious or
otherwise) as well as confusion, resentment and anger, recognising the
necessity of separateness in a couple’s relationship is vitally important.
A true and lasting love can only be based on a foundation
of freedom.
SEPARATENESS
Separateness is
just as important for the healthy development and maintenance of a
couple’s relationship - whether that be a marriage, a de-facto
relationship or any other love partnership - as is TOGETHERNESS.
INTERNAL SEPARATENESS:
In order to
understand what internal separateness means we need to have an
understanding of what it does not mean.
Internal separateness DOES NOT mean:
Internal separateness DOES NOT mean:
• Behaving as
though you weren’t married.
• Making independent
choices of a significant magnitude.
• Treating your
partner as though his or her wishes do not matter to you.
• Ignoring or
disregarding your partner’s needs.
• Being selfish and
uncaring.
Internal separateness DOES mean:
• Understanding and accepting that you carry full responsibility for your own thoughts, attitudes, feelings, beliefs, values and behaviours.
• Understanding and
accepting that your partner carries full responsibility for his or her
thoughts, attitudes, feelings, beliefs, values.
• Understanding and
accepting that you cannot change another person, not even your
partner.
• Giving up on
trying to change your partner. Understanding and accepting that each
partner carries full responsibility for their own internal wellbeing draws
an all-important boundary between a couple that enables each one of them
to work
on their individual shortcomings rather than wasting their precious energy on attempting to change their partner.
on their individual shortcomings rather than wasting their precious energy on attempting to change their partner.
Example:
Marianne screams her frustration at Simon: “It’s your fault that I am so angry all the time! If you didn’t take your son’s side in everything but listened to me for once, I could be happy for a change.”
Does her frustration sound reasonable? Absolutely! Will her behaviour achieve the desired results? Not likely!
Let me explain:
Marianne sees Simon’s behaviour as the problem because she believes that if he listened to her and supported her in her relationship with his son she would no longer feel angry.
Marianne screams her frustration at Simon: “It’s your fault that I am so angry all the time! If you didn’t take your son’s side in everything but listened to me for once, I could be happy for a change.”
Does her frustration sound reasonable? Absolutely! Will her behaviour achieve the desired results? Not likely!
Let me explain:
Marianne sees Simon’s behaviour as the problem because she believes that if he listened to her and supported her in her relationship with his son she would no longer feel angry.
This is totally
understandable. However, Marianne does not recognize that she cannot
change anyone’s behaviour other than her own and so, blaming her
husband for HER feelings isn’t going to get her anywhere other than
(eventually) the divorce courts.
How much better
would it be if Marianne decided to take responsibility for her own
feelings and reactions and would say something along the following
lines:
“When you don’t listen to my side of the problems your son and I have been having, I feel really helpless because it doesn’t seem to matter to you what I say. When that happens I feel hurt and totally powerless, because of I just don’t know how else to tell you what’s going on for me.
“When you don’t listen to my side of the problems your son and I have been having, I feel really helpless because it doesn’t seem to matter to you what I say. When that happens I feel hurt and totally powerless, because of I just don’t know how else to tell you what’s going on for me.
For me to be happy
in this relationship I need to feel valued and loved and that can only
happen if you listen to me and try to understand my point of view,
too.”
Communicating in this way, Marianne takes responsibility for her own feelings whilst at the same time, without blaming, letting Simon know how his actions are impacting on her and what she needs from him in order to feel safe and happy in their relationship.
Communicating in this way, Marianne takes responsibility for her own feelings whilst at the same time, without blaming, letting Simon know how his actions are impacting on her and what she needs from him in order to feel safe and happy in their relationship.
Approaching
their difficulty in this way ensures that Marianne does not violate
Simon’s boundaries, that she retains her own integrity yet gives Simon all
the information he needs in order to make helpful choices.
Remembering that
true love can only be rooted in freedom, giving a choice is of vital
importance. Because Simon now does not feel manipulated, controlled or
treated like a little boy who needs to be told what to do, he is far more
likely to change his behaviour to one that is more conducive to a happy
love relationship than he would be if he felt coerced or
manipulated.
Respecting our partner’s boundaries also helps THEM keep their self-esteem intact and to feel truly valued and loved. It helps US recognize that WE ARE NOT at the mercy of our partner’s behaviours, but have the RIGHT TO MAKE CHOICES that are appropriate and healthy for us.
Respecting our partner’s boundaries also helps THEM keep their self-esteem intact and to feel truly valued and loved. It helps US recognize that WE ARE NOT at the mercy of our partner’s behaviours, but have the RIGHT TO MAKE CHOICES that are appropriate and healthy for us.
It gives us
permission to say “no” to something we don’t agree with, approve of or
aren’t wholeheartedly prepared to do. It also gives our partner the same
rights and privileges.
EXTERNAL SEPARATENESS:
The freedom to retain our individuality (not having it resented, ridiculed or quashed) also allows us to continue doing the things we love but in which our partner has no interest.
The freedom to retain our individuality (not having it resented, ridiculed or quashed) also allows us to continue doing the things we love but in which our partner has no interest.
For instance, if
you enjoy ballet (like me) and your man (like mine) would much rather
endure all kinds of torture than sit through Swan Lake, this does not mean
that you have to give up your love for ballet! It just means that you have
the wonderful opportunity to call a friend who shares your passion and
with whom you can make ballet concerts your special girl’s nights out.
If your
partner enjoys a blokey get-together for footy grand finals (which are of
no interest to you), it doesn’t mean that he has to give up on
this pleasure for your sake. You can hate it all you like whilst
respecting that this is something he enjoys.
With this in mind,
why not stock up the fridge with his favourite beer, wish him a great
night and vanish to your bedroom with a good book or use the opportunity
to catch up with a friend.
Individual differences, preferences, likes or dislikes will only have the power to diminish your love for each other if you give them that power. If you decide that these can, in fact, be the very things that make your relationship more interesting and more colourful, then you can see them as empowering and positive.
Individual differences, preferences, likes or dislikes will only have the power to diminish your love for each other if you give them that power. If you decide that these can, in fact, be the very things that make your relationship more interesting and more colourful, then you can see them as empowering and positive.
If I miss out some points, you can suggest me in the comment
box.
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